How Could She? Embracing a Life That Makes ‘Em Clutch Their Pearls
The real challenge isn't what others think but why we let it matter so much. Let's talk about reframing the things we tell ourselves about living life on our own terms.
An acquaintance mentioned the other day that someone had asked them about my nomad life. Specifically, “How could she do that?”
How could she travel and call herself a part-time nomad while leaving her kids at home? They’d asked.
It wasn’t, “How does she make it work?” or “How does she balance work and family?” The question itself is a judgment, an all too common one for women who work or travel (let alone have the audacity to do both).
And listen, I don’t fault other women – especially younger ones – for casting a suspicious eye when they hear I’ve been semi-nomadic since my kids were wee. We’ve been conditioned as women to believe ambitions and experiences outside the household are selfish, suspect, and unnecessary.
Let’s expand this beyond nomad life to all ways of living differently. If you find yourself questioning someone else’s choices in a way that leans away from curiosity, toward judgment, rein yourself back in and reframe the question:
How do they make that work?
I understand my life must seem super strange from the outside looking in, especially to those who grew up in the city or without close family connections outside their immediate household.
But you know that saying, ‘It takes a village?’ My children and I have always had a strong village. I grew up in a literal village of 800 people in rural Canada and now live 25 minutes away. Some days, I hate it, and there’s nothing more I’d love than to go for a walk or even just do groceries completely anonymously (you know, without running into 15 people I know).
But mostly, I’m grateful for this because it means a sizeable support network for the kids and me.
Because their father and I divorced and we each remarried when they were young, my boys have had access to no fewer than eight grandparents within a half-hour’s drive.
We have family and close friends I’d trust with my life. I’ve long felt there’s a network of people watching out for us while we’re out and about in the community.
When I was given the opportunity to work on a conference series many years ago, my mother came to stay with my children while I was away. Even then, people were cruel and some said straight to my face, “How could you? I could never leave my kids for days at a time.”
Well, let me tell you… the income I earned working conferences four days a month around the world enabled me to quit a job that required the kids to be in daycare after school every day, which they hated. Being away those four days each month meant they had quality time with Grandma, and I was able to spend more quality time with them the rest of the time. I was able to provide for them as a single mother, and that’s no small feat.
When I met my current husband a bit later, he came with a whole family (as they do 😆 ).
Over the last decade, we’ve lived a 15-minute walk from my son’s father and stepmother’s house. The boys have gone back and forth as it’s made sense for them. We’ve each paid the other for child support at different times, depending on the living arrangements. We’ve worked around each other’s extended family plans for holidays and vacations. We’ve switched visitation times and eventually just let the boys make up their own schedule.
I don’t know how, but it worked. Does that mean we did everything right? Ha! No way. But had I listened when a “friend” told me to “Go home, get a real job and be a good mother,” or others imposed similar judgments upon me, my life would be very different today (and not in good ways). I’d have missed out on so much.
And so, yes, I have travelled for up to 6 weeks without my children. I firmly believe I’m a better parent as an overall happier and more fulfilled person.
I watched my own father work and drink himself to death, always trying to do “the right thing,” putting in his time so he could eventually enjoy life one day in that magical state called retirement. He died at 63 and never got a chance to enjoy it.
Listen, the kids are okay. Better than okay, in fact – they’ve grown into wonderful young adults. I truly believe they’re more okay than if their mother had always stayed 25 minutes from where she was raised, too afraid to take chances in her career to provide a better life for them, miserable and plodding through a life in which she didn’t feel fulfilled.
Take that question, “How could they?” and reframe it to ask yourself, “Why can’t I?”
Write down your initial objections. Whether it’s travel, a career change, going back to school, relocating entirely – whatever it is, I challenge you to write down the objections that immediately come to mind.
Now, sit with the list and for each objection, critically question:
Why does this matter?
Who told me this?
Why do I believe this to be true?
What does the alternative or breaking this “rule” look like?
That big change you’ve been afraid to make might not be so controversial and audacious after all.
And at the end of the day, the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life… is you. Life’s too precious to waste time clutching onto someone else’s pearls of expectation. Let it go, and hold tight to what truly matters: the life you’re creating on your own terms.
Whatever the thing is, don’t wait for the perfect set of circumstances. Do it while you’re poor. Do it while you’re fat. Do it while you’re busy. Do the thing, and let them roar.
Once you peel back the layers of societal conditioning and inherited beliefs, those “How could she?” questions start to feel pretty small.
Very interesting and makes a lot of good sense!
Love this. We all have to do what works for us and not worry about the rest. A few years back, I heard a farm family facilitator ask a group of women, “who says you should…?” (insert whatever thing - plant a garden, dust the house, make a homemade dinner every night…) It‘s something we need to ask ourselves more because often the answer is no one and even if there’s someone.. no one gets to decide but us anyway.